Good week?

So, this week I'm trying something new..I'm goin to try and stay off fb since people at work think I am on fb too much and that is the reason I'm so slow. Apparently my boss telling me to slow down at our last one on one didn't register during this one. Yes I understand the work I'm doing now but if u want me to speed up I can guarantee that I'm gonna start missing shit again and we are gonna be right back to where we were a few months ago. No fb isn't interfering with my work how bored I am is.. Sometimes it's interesting and other times I want to pull my damn hair out because it's monotonous..

My challenge has began as of 730 this morning and I will let you know how it goes..

~bells

Time flies

Today I sent an email congratulating my sister on gettin her new job and it really hit me hard that she is not my bratty little sister anymore..words can't express how hard it is for me to see her as a mommy and an adult when I'm so used to her just being my little sister..it literally feels like one day she was this cute little brat who always told on me and got me in trouble and overnight she bloomed into this beautiful woman and stepped into motherhood as though she was born to be a mother..it is the most amazing thing to see and it's sad because time seriously flew before my eyes.. I am so very proud of her and all of her accomplishments and proud to be her sister..I completely understand why it's so hard for my mom to see us as adults when we are still her little girls..my baby sister is a teenager going into the 8th grade this year and I was 14 when she was born..why does time go so fast?

Everyone is starting their lives and getting married and even though I'm the oldest I feel like I'm behind..all of my friends except a few are married and have children and all I have is my career and myself..I'm stuck in a different chapter of my life while everyone else is passing by..I feel so old sometimes remembering what my life has been filled with so far and I'm floored at where life has taken me..

I'm gonna leave u with this thought, cherish every moment..don't take anyone in your life for granted and make sure to stop and enjoy those special moments with friends and family because money and work will be there in the morning, those that you love the most may not..

~bells

FML

So after some hiatus again, sorry about that..I finished my certificate and I've received it in hand..FINALLY.. Only 2 classes to go til the BA..however my lovely student loans have started trickling in more from my fantastically overpriced but great education at Hamline U causing me to embark on getting another job to pay for them..so here I am, 3wks into my second job and I'm EXHAUSTED..I guess its just do what I can and not expect to have a social life anymore if I want these loans to 'magically' disappear so I don't have to think about them..I don't know why this was such a great idea but maybe it's because I thrive on stress and think that after 7yrs of working and school full time I can still handle it..I continue to forget that all the awesome sleep I didn't get a few years ago and had no issues is next to INSANITY now that I'm remembering how much older I am getting and I can't do the same things I used to without killing myself..

So, here's to lots of fish oil and B vitamins to keep me going as well as being by the pool and relaxing as nuch as i can M-F to maintain some type of sanity..

Til next time
~bells

randomness

I titled my blog as such because I am just that sometimes, completely random and I know it can either irk the hell outta someone or they find it hilarious..and I have no problems with that either way..I have days when my mind is going a mile a minute and sorting through crap so quickly I can't quite get a grasp on it and other days I sit and dwell on useless shit and sometimes they are happy and others they are sad. The one thing now that I am trying to come to terms with is my over emotional moods..Yes, I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed because of some of the things that I have had to deal with and I just couldn't properly work through them so they totally screwed my head up.This was on top of being in a relationship that I wasn't happy in with a person that couldn't love me for who I am and even though I am no longer in that state I do sometimes get down and low and then the not so nice and over-emotional side shows..

I have over the last few years been working through everything but I still don't feel like I have done enough. I have serious trust issues with men and people in general because of some of the relationships I have been in and I know it is not fair to think that the next person will do me the same way but I can't help having my guard up. When you have dealt with the harsh blow of not being able to trust your family you never end up feeling completely safe. There are very few in my life that I would trust with my life but deep down there is always that question of whether they will do something to ruin it.

I overreact sometimes as well and that is also a huge thing I need to work on..It doesn't happen too often anymore, only when I have doubts or I really love someone because like I said, I have learned not to trust even those closest to me..I have given my life to my family and to those select few relationships and they took it for granted so I have backed off considerably and I don't do too many kind things for people because it gets abused and expected rather than appreciated..

I guess what this really always ends up coming down to is that I am appreciative of those I do have close to me because I can be too much to deal with sometimes. I don't know how to be anything different so thank you for being there and letting me bitch and have a shoulder to cry on..I can only hope that I am the great friend that you say I am because I know I have my moments when sometimes the lights aren't all on in my head..if I die tomorrow the only goal I have is that I have made a difference in at least one person's life everyday.  So many of my friends and the relationships I have had have made a difference in mine so I continue to strive to learn more about myself everyday and be a better person to those around me.

~bells

My oasis

I'm not thrilled about what I pay to live here but I seriously love this place.. Inside i have my spacious but simply furnished apt with my amazing bed and tub just big enough to turn off the lights add candles in relax while the flames shadows flicker across the walls..I have the start of my own little oasis on my balcony and I love that in the middle of freeways, the city and the sounds of airplanes above I can feel closed off in this little spot and dream a bigger dream, lose myself in a book or meditate on the mistakes I've made and how to avoid making them again. Then to make it even better when I need the social interaction I can lay by the pool and soak in the beautiful sun or drive a short distance n see friends or go to the mall..this place was the best decision of my life and has truly been a blessing to my tattered soul and scarred heart. I have found happiness here within myself and the simple things in life. I know this is only a fraction of what may be left to come and a slice of the bigger dream I have of my own home someday with kids running and playing but for right now and where I'm at in my life, this is enough

Really?!

So, the one thing that pissed me off today was someone posted a comment about having sex on the first date or waiting and before he added his comment to it wanted others opinions. Well, since I try not to comment too much on his page Im gonna post here..

I have tried both, I have waited before giving up the goods and some were good, and some weren't and obviously they didnt work or I wouldnt be single. what sucks is I love sex and I want it to be fun with that person that I am trusting that part of me with. I know that it is a special thing but sometimes its just sex. If they can't satisfy me then why waste anyone's time if we can't mesh sexually? No sex is not the most important thing but it is an important part of a solid relationship and if that is lacking no matter how hard you try to make it work it's not gonna work.

I have had sex on the first date but only if I was attracted to them and we had a good connection. However, that has bitten me in my ass cause apparently that makes me look easy..Ok so what do you want it to be men? start off as friends with benefits or fuck buddies whatever you want to call it or not do anything only to find out that you are not compatible and wasted all that time and whatever feelings were involved?

Men take it much harder than a female does because we don't have insecurities about our boob size or whether our shit is gonna be tight enough like guys do about the size of their dicks. If you are honest/truthful about it they take it too far so why even address it like that or spend the time waiting? if you get that goodnight kiss and you feel sparks then chances are there is some chemistry and the sex could potentially be good so give it a try. Life is too short. Not to say you need to be reckless about it because being safe is important but if you only mess with dirty dudes then maybe you need to change your requirements.

My problem with this whole situation is where do I stand to the dude then? If I give it up quick am I not worth keeping around or some side chick shit? Or are you gonna keep me around because I know what I want and you respect that?

Lets be real men. Be about it, if you want a woman who knows what she wants and if she wants you then you should feel privileged we are even fucking with you like that. If all you want is a piece then tell me all you want is a piece, the worst i can say is no.

~bells

What I've seen..

Since I was little I started to see just how screwed up this world has gotten and I can honestly say I'm not happy with it. Being raised in a diverse family and being around some intelligent n just plain ignorant people has been a rather interesting experience. I have been questioned about my sisters being a different color before I even understood what it meant and as I got older been treated harshly because of my color and have seen first hand black folks being disrespected because they "look" different.

I love my mother for not raising me to be ignorant and prejudice just because of the color of someone's skin.
I saw Roots for the first time when I was in the 4th grade and I was horrified. I couldn't believe that people were taken from their country and brought here in the harshest conditions and treated like savages. Even the animals on the plantations were treated better than that. What the hell was seriously wrong with the settlers that came over here that made them think that was acceptable? The one thing that irritates me the most is having someone tell me those are "your People" because I am white. No, they are not "my people", we may have the same skin pigmentation but I do not agree with anything that they did.

The one thing that people fail to understand that I learned from a lot of my classes in college is that everyone has "black" in them. We all came from a group of people that originated in Africa and from there traveled to different parts of the world. within that time their skin pigmentation changed because of the environmental conditions they were exposed to. Going from a very hot sunny climate to a milder and cooler climate caused them to adapt. Having dark skin is necessary for those in those hot climates because being darker lessens your chance of cancers and burns because the color absorbs the sun rather than deflecting it like lighter skin does. The lack of melanin present in the skin accounts for the difference in colors of humans, less melatonin/melanin the lighter the color you will be. Lighter colors burn easily because when the sun reflects off of the skin rather than being absorbed causing it to be harsher on the skin. The skin can't absorb the amounts of sun it is exposed to because of the lack of melanin causing the sun to have adverse affects on the cells and causing skin cancers. This isn't the most educated explanation but it gives you an idea of why I can't stand the treatment of others because of their skin tones.

It all comes down to this, black or white people need to stop judging and raising their kids to judge based on skin type. If you want your kids to not be prejudiced and continue the fucked up way that the early settlers started the whole white is right bullshit then stop buying into it. Stop continuing to teach your children the way the "white" people have brain washed you into raising them that another race is better than them and they won't be accepted because of their race. Anyone can be whoever they want to and do whatever they want if they work hard and fight back when people treat them with anything but the respect they deserve. They are human just like anyone else is and deserve the same treatment billy or mary sue get. I can honestly say that I have more respect for black folks then white folks because the way they see life is the way it should be. They have struggled and still fight everyday for what they deserve and white people treat life and what they have as a right rather than a privilege. Nothing in life is free and nothing comes without putting in the work to maintain it. you can be born into money but unless you have respect for it and the people who have helped your family get there you are no better than anyone else.

treat everyone with respect no matter what color they are until they give you a reason to treat them like the shitty person they may be.

~bells