randomness

I titled my blog as such because I am just that sometimes, completely random and I know it can either irk the hell outta someone or they find it hilarious..and I have no problems with that either way..I have days when my mind is going a mile a minute and sorting through crap so quickly I can't quite get a grasp on it and other days I sit and dwell on useless shit and sometimes they are happy and others they are sad. The one thing now that I am trying to come to terms with is my over emotional moods..Yes, I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed because of some of the things that I have had to deal with and I just couldn't properly work through them so they totally screwed my head up.This was on top of being in a relationship that I wasn't happy in with a person that couldn't love me for who I am and even though I am no longer in that state I do sometimes get down and low and then the not so nice and over-emotional side shows..

I have over the last few years been working through everything but I still don't feel like I have done enough. I have serious trust issues with men and people in general because of some of the relationships I have been in and I know it is not fair to think that the next person will do me the same way but I can't help having my guard up. When you have dealt with the harsh blow of not being able to trust your family you never end up feeling completely safe. There are very few in my life that I would trust with my life but deep down there is always that question of whether they will do something to ruin it.

I overreact sometimes as well and that is also a huge thing I need to work on..It doesn't happen too often anymore, only when I have doubts or I really love someone because like I said, I have learned not to trust even those closest to me..I have given my life to my family and to those select few relationships and they took it for granted so I have backed off considerably and I don't do too many kind things for people because it gets abused and expected rather than appreciated..

I guess what this really always ends up coming down to is that I am appreciative of those I do have close to me because I can be too much to deal with sometimes. I don't know how to be anything different so thank you for being there and letting me bitch and have a shoulder to cry on..I can only hope that I am the great friend that you say I am because I know I have my moments when sometimes the lights aren't all on in my head..if I die tomorrow the only goal I have is that I have made a difference in at least one person's life everyday.  So many of my friends and the relationships I have had have made a difference in mine so I continue to strive to learn more about myself everyday and be a better person to those around me.

~bells

My oasis

I'm not thrilled about what I pay to live here but I seriously love this place.. Inside i have my spacious but simply furnished apt with my amazing bed and tub just big enough to turn off the lights add candles in relax while the flames shadows flicker across the walls..I have the start of my own little oasis on my balcony and I love that in the middle of freeways, the city and the sounds of airplanes above I can feel closed off in this little spot and dream a bigger dream, lose myself in a book or meditate on the mistakes I've made and how to avoid making them again. Then to make it even better when I need the social interaction I can lay by the pool and soak in the beautiful sun or drive a short distance n see friends or go to the mall..this place was the best decision of my life and has truly been a blessing to my tattered soul and scarred heart. I have found happiness here within myself and the simple things in life. I know this is only a fraction of what may be left to come and a slice of the bigger dream I have of my own home someday with kids running and playing but for right now and where I'm at in my life, this is enough