So for the most part I'm a pretty upbeat outgoing person but I seriously have some issues that for some reason keep hounding me no matter how hard I try to deal with them. The last few guys that I have had some serious situations with I have been told I'm too much and they've either been with someone else and I didn't know or I thought they were serious about trying to have something more with me. This over time has seriously had an effect on the person I am and how I see myself.. I know that I shouldn't think that it's my fault because they weren't honest to begin with but being treated like shit amd told you aren't enough wears you down. I'm not skinny enough or I'm too white or talk too much shit or I was just an experience. Well I'm tired of feeling like ill never be good enough for someone and getting into situations where I'm told I'm rushing things when really I've spent a lot of my time with these people only to find out the hard way that it wasn't me, they were just not as into me as I thought they were. How the hell does anyone get over this? I am a fairly confident person but question whether I'm ever gonna find and have what I consider a normal relationship. I honestly don't understand why I am so hard on myself and can't just be completely happy to be me and if the guys can't handle it then I shouldn't be with them. It's seriously to the point that I don't know what I want or how to act around guys that I'm interested in. All i really want is honesty and when im up front about what i want or start applying myself and them towards a relationship they balk. Wtf is wrong with me? I thought I was happy with myself but clearly these last few months I've been questioning myself.
I know that you can't really plan how your life is going to go but fuck just once can something work out? Am I sabotaging things because I don't want to get hurt again? Have I settled for those who will treat me the way that I'm used to because I know how it will end? I need to let go of the control and just let things flow but when do I stop so I'm not wasting my time? When do I just say fuck it and let things be as they are and enjoy that he is treating me the way I deserve? Or is he? Do I even know the damn difference anymore??
The lesson from all this when you feel like you are questioning who you are you need to just stop and evaluate what is making you feel like this and then shut it up. As much as being negative is great eliminate the drama that you are putting yourself through. Know that everything happens or a reason whether you want it to or not and decide if the situation you are in is a good one that you can be happy with. Now if only i could actually start doing this then maybe things would be better.
