Power

I remember everything like it was yesterday..I was pissed because u just walked in like the boss but u hadn't been around but a few months..I was running this because the last loser kept around past his expiration left shit in shambles and since I was the only one ever home I was left in charge at my young age..what u saw? A threat to what u had in mind housed in the body of a teenager, a mean attitude that had everyone runnin scared..what did u do? Tried befriending since I surely wasn't gonna let u in charge without testing u..letting me do shit I had no business doing and if I wasnt so mad at shit I wouldn't have fell for it but I just didn't give a fuck..u got lucky cause the relationship with her wasn't there and u knew she had dealt with this shit when she was younger so u used that against me..fast forward to when u decided to attack..u stole my innocence, broke my spirit and made me ashamed of being a beautiful strong girl and never trust a man or my family again..it took me years of therapy, after I gave into the depression, denial, broken relationships with those I was trying to protect by making the decision I did to finally have some peace of mind..I finally feel confident in myself, I've found my strength, repaired slowly one of the most important bonds and gained the understanding and maturity very few will ever be able to comprehend.. What u did to me brought me to the lowest I have ever been but look at me now..I'm successful, educated, stronger than I have ever been with a spirit no man will ever break again..I've forgiven u but I will never ever be able to forget what that did to me and what I became because of your need for power and preying on innocent young girls who refused to bow to your will..

Who's got the power now? That's right, me..when I see u u cower in my presence because I can break u but who am I to judge anyone when you will be dealing with the karma of this for years to come while I continue to strengthen, mature and grow and be what u never could be..

The one running shit~

The battle

The biggest battle I always have with myself is feeling like whether what I'm doing is right and when to let go.. I've put myself in some interesting situations and ended up with a lot of pain but once it passed and I've removed the emotion I can see the lesson. I'm a very firm believer of doing the best that I can and not giving up so at the end of the day I can say I did the best that I could with what I had to work with. Well if I don't feel that I'm at my best then am I really putting my best foot forward? If I am, then is it the best I could be at the time of the lesson? I know I grow from every situation and every mistake I've made but if I am putting too much into it am I hurting myself more and while I'm healing not really studying the lesson from the experience and falling right back into the same situation? I'm traveling on roads I've never been on and learning more about myself but I end up in a situation that is similar to the last but I seem to take something different away everytime.. I'm starting to look at my life as a gradual intensity of difficulty and wondering if I'm ever going to get past this one to get to the next..

The first thing that comes to mind for comparison is school..you start off with the easiest and work your way through trying to get to the next level of achievement..for me it's always been I enjoy learning and I love having knowledge but not the time it takes to finish the lesson. I'm so impatient at times I end up missing key points and then when the test comes I do horribly. I'm so wrapped up in the end I don't pay attention to detail or address it the way I should when I see it I just file it away and at the end look back and wonder what I could've done differently. I am continuously fighting with myself to stop and look at what I am getting myself into and whether it is something I want to deal with. Depending on how I feel at the time, and that right there is the core of the problem, determines how I decide what to do and where to go. I have tried taking out the emotion but then there is a void that can't be filled without some level of feeling. I am a very emotional and passionate person that its second nature to me to always have some level of feeling involved otherwise I don't think I am getting the entire experience. I know that some are just fillers and I am not supposed to have anything more involved then what I do but how do I know the difference?

I have been working on being more patient but I think working on it is making it worse. I need to just accept that sometimes I am not as patient and I should be and it will just happen. I am too over analytical for my own good so I am gonna stop trying to think so much about things and see where that takes me. Hopefully to where I am trying to go and help me be everything that I can be.

With that, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day and my caramel frappe and hopefully start updating this more often.

much love~ Bells