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Sheer craziness..that's what I am..I don't claim to be normal or sane because that's just not true..I do accept my craziness and try to work around some of my episodes but sometimes there are some who get caught up in them and for that I'm sorry..I don't mean to and I'm trying to find an outlet rather than bottling it all up but I haven't found one yet..any suggestions?!

So, I apologized for my misinterpretation and overreaction but it's up to you whether you still want to deal with me..this is the only bad about me and really it's not bad because I admit when I'm wrong..otherwise I am an awesome person and totally worth having in your life if you choose..I think it would be fantastic but I understand if you choose not to..

I have a lot more to work on then I thought so baby steps in the right direction hopefully..

Wish me luck!!!

Eliminating the negatives

So for the most part I'm a pretty upbeat outgoing person but I seriously have some issues that for some reason keep hounding me no matter how hard I try to deal with them. The last few guys that I have had some serious situations with I have been told I'm too much and they've either been with someone else and I didn't know or I thought they were serious about trying to have something more with me. This over time has seriously had an effect on the person I am and how I see myself.. I know that I shouldn't think that it's my fault because they weren't honest to begin with but being treated like shit amd told you aren't enough wears you down. I'm not skinny enough or I'm too white or talk too much shit or I was just an experience. Well I'm tired of feeling like ill never be good enough for someone and getting into situations where I'm told I'm rushing things when really I've spent a lot of my time with these people only to find out the hard way that it wasn't me, they were just not as into me as I thought they were. How the hell does anyone get over this? I am a fairly confident person but question whether I'm ever gonna find and have what I consider a normal relationship. I honestly don't understand why I am so hard on myself and can't just be completely happy to be me and if the guys can't handle it then I shouldn't be with them. It's seriously to the point that I don't know what I want or how to act around guys that I'm interested in. All i really want is honesty and when im up front about what i want or start applying myself and them towards a relationship they balk. Wtf is wrong with me? I thought I was happy with myself but clearly these last few months I've been questioning myself.
I know that you can't really plan how your life is going to go but fuck just once can something work out? Am I sabotaging things because I don't want to get hurt again? Have I settled for those who will treat me the way that I'm used to because I know how it will end? I need to let go of the control and just let things flow but when do I stop so I'm not wasting my time? When do I just say fuck it and let things be as they are and enjoy that he is treating me the way I deserve? Or is he? Do I even know the damn difference anymore??
The lesson from all this when you feel like you are questioning who you are you need to just stop and evaluate what is making you feel like this and then shut it up. As much as being negative is great eliminate the drama that you are putting yourself through. Know that everything happens or a reason whether you want it to or not and decide if the situation you are in is a good one that you can be happy with. Now if only i could actually start doing this then maybe things would be better.

Wow time flies

It takes u back when u realize just how fast time has flown and boggling at everything that happened in that time. Where do I start?? There have been some more eye opening moments that have been both infuriating and a relief once I finally let them go and took the lessons. I've found out alot more about myself and started cementing the changes that I want to make. Cutting out some of the bad things and people in my life has made things much better. You really do attract people by the way you carry yourself and changing my mentality has given me a pretty awesome guy to spend time with. My family is doing as good as can be expected and I have much better relationships with them. I'm ready to start on some of my dreams of traveling and crossing off things on my bucket list. I can honestly say that as shitty as the last year was it was great as well and I'm hoping this year is just as interesting in a different way. I'm growing up and continuing to learn each day and hopefully things will start goin in the right direction rather than me turning down all these side roads. As great and crazy these distractions have been they are taking up too much of my time and life is too precious to waste or be regretful about. Here's to another new year and being grateful I've been given the option to be here another day.