Wtf...

So the big 30 has come and gone and I seriously feel like I'm having a midlife crisis. I don't know if the job I'm in is the right one for me anymore because I feel I deserve better pay and more choices and since the last job I applied for was given to someone else even though I was  far more qualified than the person they chose I am determined to be more confident and make some changes in my life. I am still waiting to hear back from 2 companies that I applied for; one a dream job that I've wanted since I was a kid and the other a good opportunity that will help me get my ass out of student loan debt and give me a new platform outside of banking but who knows which will happen first. I know the government takes forever doing background checks but 6mos is a little excessive I think but what do I know..

Here's to making some changes and stepping out of my comfort zone!

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Sheer craziness..that's what I am..I don't claim to be normal or sane because that's just not true..I do accept my craziness and try to work around some of my episodes but sometimes there are some who get caught up in them and for that I'm sorry..I don't mean to and I'm trying to find an outlet rather than bottling it all up but I haven't found one yet..any suggestions?!

So, I apologized for my misinterpretation and overreaction but it's up to you whether you still want to deal with me..this is the only bad about me and really it's not bad because I admit when I'm wrong..otherwise I am an awesome person and totally worth having in your life if you choose..I think it would be fantastic but I understand if you choose not to..

I have a lot more to work on then I thought so baby steps in the right direction hopefully..

Wish me luck!!!

Eliminating the negatives

So for the most part I'm a pretty upbeat outgoing person but I seriously have some issues that for some reason keep hounding me no matter how hard I try to deal with them. The last few guys that I have had some serious situations with I have been told I'm too much and they've either been with someone else and I didn't know or I thought they were serious about trying to have something more with me. This over time has seriously had an effect on the person I am and how I see myself.. I know that I shouldn't think that it's my fault because they weren't honest to begin with but being treated like shit amd told you aren't enough wears you down. I'm not skinny enough or I'm too white or talk too much shit or I was just an experience. Well I'm tired of feeling like ill never be good enough for someone and getting into situations where I'm told I'm rushing things when really I've spent a lot of my time with these people only to find out the hard way that it wasn't me, they were just not as into me as I thought they were. How the hell does anyone get over this? I am a fairly confident person but question whether I'm ever gonna find and have what I consider a normal relationship. I honestly don't understand why I am so hard on myself and can't just be completely happy to be me and if the guys can't handle it then I shouldn't be with them. It's seriously to the point that I don't know what I want or how to act around guys that I'm interested in. All i really want is honesty and when im up front about what i want or start applying myself and them towards a relationship they balk. Wtf is wrong with me? I thought I was happy with myself but clearly these last few months I've been questioning myself.
I know that you can't really plan how your life is going to go but fuck just once can something work out? Am I sabotaging things because I don't want to get hurt again? Have I settled for those who will treat me the way that I'm used to because I know how it will end? I need to let go of the control and just let things flow but when do I stop so I'm not wasting my time? When do I just say fuck it and let things be as they are and enjoy that he is treating me the way I deserve? Or is he? Do I even know the damn difference anymore??
The lesson from all this when you feel like you are questioning who you are you need to just stop and evaluate what is making you feel like this and then shut it up. As much as being negative is great eliminate the drama that you are putting yourself through. Know that everything happens or a reason whether you want it to or not and decide if the situation you are in is a good one that you can be happy with. Now if only i could actually start doing this then maybe things would be better.

Wow time flies

It takes u back when u realize just how fast time has flown and boggling at everything that happened in that time. Where do I start?? There have been some more eye opening moments that have been both infuriating and a relief once I finally let them go and took the lessons. I've found out alot more about myself and started cementing the changes that I want to make. Cutting out some of the bad things and people in my life has made things much better. You really do attract people by the way you carry yourself and changing my mentality has given me a pretty awesome guy to spend time with. My family is doing as good as can be expected and I have much better relationships with them. I'm ready to start on some of my dreams of traveling and crossing off things on my bucket list. I can honestly say that as shitty as the last year was it was great as well and I'm hoping this year is just as interesting in a different way. I'm growing up and continuing to learn each day and hopefully things will start goin in the right direction rather than me turning down all these side roads. As great and crazy these distractions have been they are taking up too much of my time and life is too precious to waste or be regretful about. Here's to another new year and being grateful I've been given the option to be here another day.

First love..

It was 2wks before my 18th birthday I saw u at work the first time..I thought omg is he cute, then one day your dad came to me and asked me to go out with u because u had just ended a bad relationship and he wanted you to be with a nice girl who was fun to take your mind off..immediately I knew this was my in so I went and talked to you and the next thing I knew we were hangin out n having a great time.. You were sweet, opened my doors, anytime we went out you paid even though I always tried to, a great listener and you could always make me laugh..I told you things I had never told anyone and accepted me still..you were everything until you went back to the ex..I was devastated and thought you were an idiot because this wasn't the first time and you guys just couldn't make it work..then she hurt you and still I was there waiting patiently for my turn and I got it..one of the best valentines days of my life, I felt like I had just conquered the world and kissing you was like flipping on a switch and I was on fire..it was great until you got ready to leave for the summer and decided to end it the way your ex ended your relationship and you hurt me..it was the first time I ever felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest..you were such a great guy and made such an impact that I kept my heart from you and quite a few more..it was the beginning of the string of heartbreaks I would deal with because I kept comparing the way they treated me to you, the good parts only of course..I don't kno what I did wrong but it changed the rest of my life for the better, I knew there was men that would treat me the way I deserved and accept me for me..

You're married now with an adorable little boy and I'm happy for you but I will never forget the amazing time we had together :)

Power

I remember everything like it was yesterday..I was pissed because u just walked in like the boss but u hadn't been around but a few months..I was running this because the last loser kept around past his expiration left shit in shambles and since I was the only one ever home I was left in charge at my young age..what u saw? A threat to what u had in mind housed in the body of a teenager, a mean attitude that had everyone runnin scared..what did u do? Tried befriending since I surely wasn't gonna let u in charge without testing u..letting me do shit I had no business doing and if I wasnt so mad at shit I wouldn't have fell for it but I just didn't give a fuck..u got lucky cause the relationship with her wasn't there and u knew she had dealt with this shit when she was younger so u used that against me..fast forward to when u decided to attack..u stole my innocence, broke my spirit and made me ashamed of being a beautiful strong girl and never trust a man or my family again..it took me years of therapy, after I gave into the depression, denial, broken relationships with those I was trying to protect by making the decision I did to finally have some peace of mind..I finally feel confident in myself, I've found my strength, repaired slowly one of the most important bonds and gained the understanding and maturity very few will ever be able to comprehend.. What u did to me brought me to the lowest I have ever been but look at me now..I'm successful, educated, stronger than I have ever been with a spirit no man will ever break again..I've forgiven u but I will never ever be able to forget what that did to me and what I became because of your need for power and preying on innocent young girls who refused to bow to your will..

Who's got the power now? That's right, me..when I see u u cower in my presence because I can break u but who am I to judge anyone when you will be dealing with the karma of this for years to come while I continue to strengthen, mature and grow and be what u never could be..

The one running shit~

The battle

The biggest battle I always have with myself is feeling like whether what I'm doing is right and when to let go.. I've put myself in some interesting situations and ended up with a lot of pain but once it passed and I've removed the emotion I can see the lesson. I'm a very firm believer of doing the best that I can and not giving up so at the end of the day I can say I did the best that I could with what I had to work with. Well if I don't feel that I'm at my best then am I really putting my best foot forward? If I am, then is it the best I could be at the time of the lesson? I know I grow from every situation and every mistake I've made but if I am putting too much into it am I hurting myself more and while I'm healing not really studying the lesson from the experience and falling right back into the same situation? I'm traveling on roads I've never been on and learning more about myself but I end up in a situation that is similar to the last but I seem to take something different away everytime.. I'm starting to look at my life as a gradual intensity of difficulty and wondering if I'm ever going to get past this one to get to the next..

The first thing that comes to mind for comparison is school..you start off with the easiest and work your way through trying to get to the next level of achievement..for me it's always been I enjoy learning and I love having knowledge but not the time it takes to finish the lesson. I'm so impatient at times I end up missing key points and then when the test comes I do horribly. I'm so wrapped up in the end I don't pay attention to detail or address it the way I should when I see it I just file it away and at the end look back and wonder what I could've done differently. I am continuously fighting with myself to stop and look at what I am getting myself into and whether it is something I want to deal with. Depending on how I feel at the time, and that right there is the core of the problem, determines how I decide what to do and where to go. I have tried taking out the emotion but then there is a void that can't be filled without some level of feeling. I am a very emotional and passionate person that its second nature to me to always have some level of feeling involved otherwise I don't think I am getting the entire experience. I know that some are just fillers and I am not supposed to have anything more involved then what I do but how do I know the difference?

I have been working on being more patient but I think working on it is making it worse. I need to just accept that sometimes I am not as patient and I should be and it will just happen. I am too over analytical for my own good so I am gonna stop trying to think so much about things and see where that takes me. Hopefully to where I am trying to go and help me be everything that I can be.

With that, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day and my caramel frappe and hopefully start updating this more often.

much love~ Bells