Fuck it..

The best decision I have ever made was to say fuck it.. If shit ain't going right or people are just determined to make your life miserable cause they aren't happy, say fuck it..you cannot change the decisions others make and you can't change how they view the world so why care? It only makes you feel like crap. All you really have to worry about is your happiness and stay positive. You can only offer suggestions and be there for those who want to continue to make bad decisions. That is their lesson to learn from not yours so let it be..

I have never asked anyone for anything but to accept me for who I am. Until you have walked a day in my shoes you will never know how or why I have made the decisions I have so just be happy for me like I am happy for you. Be happy with yourself. When shit goes bad take the blame for it because at the end of the day it was your decision that led you there. Take what you got from it as a lesson and move around it. Don't blame others or God for your issues because they are only guides for you and only you can tell you what to do. The path he has laid out for you is just that, a path. You have the free will to follow it however you want to and you can guarantee that at one crossroads you'll look back at the path you have come down and go FUCK. what the hell was I thinking? when you can look back and see what you did wrong, it makes you a very strong person to accept it and do things differently when you make that next turn. It also gives you the knowledge to avoid making those same decisions down that next path and if you make them again it was your choice because you knew the consequences.

God may not exist, my belief in him may be a figment of my imagination but I still choose to believe that there is something out there because if I didn't then I would not still be walking this earth. I have had to have faith in a being much powerful than me in order to get through the situations life has thrown at me and that I have put myself in or I would never have gotten this far. I choose to believe that there is a purpose for me to be here because I would not have been able to live and enjoy life the way I do if I didn't. I would not have been able to learn from my mistakes and head down a path of happiness if I did not make the decision to find happiness in everything that I do. I have the power to determine how I want to live my life and the power to make it happen and I choose to believe that god is on my side as I do it so if I need to I can go to him if it is too much to bear and he will help me get through it.

I came into this world with the burden of being the product of rape to a young mother who was resentful and angry for the way life was treating her and having it taken out on me even though I didn't ask for it. I am a beautiful gift to her and to myself and I know that what happened wasn't my fault and it isn't her fault because she was too young to know how to deal with a situation most adults can't even deal with. My mother is the strongest person I have ever met and I thank god everyday for believing in her strength to get through it and strength in me for being able to handle something like that. I am truly blessed with the knowledge I have gained and the gift of being able to understand and appreciate people for who they are. I could hate God and hate the world for what I have dealt with but he had a plan for me and I truly believe that if he didn't break the mold for me I would have lived the average normal life that everyone else does. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that by any means nor am I resentful because there is a reason, a purpose for me being here, I have no idea what but that is okay because I know that I make a difference in peoples lives no matter how big or small it may be. I strive to be a better person and accept things as they are but also to make sure that I try a little harder everyday to be a good friend, daughter and sister to my friends and family because without them or God I would not still be here trying.

This may or may not have helped you understand why I do things the way that I do and guess what, who cares, everyone is different. This also may not change how you feel or who you are at the end of the day. The point I am trying to make is that from the experiences people have shared with me I have learned to appreciate everyone no matter what because I am not here to judge. I am here to offer suggestions and help guide people along that have come in to my life for whatever reason or just to be there because they need me in some capacity. I have also learned what not to do, who I don't want to be and what I don't want my life to be like. Once you see these things it changes how you see the person you are and allows you to find that path to the person you aspire to be.

My reason for sharing this? Don't give up, there is so much more waiting and all you have to do is have faith. Let go of the hate and the resentment and the people that caused it and take back control over your life because you have the power to make a difference and make it different. If life isn't what you thought it would be then stop bitching about it and do something. Everyone has a need to vent but continuing to complain about how bad things are won't change them. You need to change them.

Stop being the person you don't want to be and stop letting people have power over your life and make this world and your life the way you want it to be.

~bells