Power

I remember everything like it was yesterday..I was pissed because u just walked in like the boss but u hadn't been around but a few months..I was running this because the last loser kept around past his expiration left shit in shambles and since I was the only one ever home I was left in charge at my young age..what u saw? A threat to what u had in mind housed in the body of a teenager, a mean attitude that had everyone runnin scared..what did u do? Tried befriending since I surely wasn't gonna let u in charge without testing u..letting me do shit I had no business doing and if I wasnt so mad at shit I wouldn't have fell for it but I just didn't give a fuck..u got lucky cause the relationship with her wasn't there and u knew she had dealt with this shit when she was younger so u used that against me..fast forward to when u decided to attack..u stole my innocence, broke my spirit and made me ashamed of being a beautiful strong girl and never trust a man or my family again..it took me years of therapy, after I gave into the depression, denial, broken relationships with those I was trying to protect by making the decision I did to finally have some peace of mind..I finally feel confident in myself, I've found my strength, repaired slowly one of the most important bonds and gained the understanding and maturity very few will ever be able to comprehend.. What u did to me brought me to the lowest I have ever been but look at me now..I'm successful, educated, stronger than I have ever been with a spirit no man will ever break again..I've forgiven u but I will never ever be able to forget what that did to me and what I became because of your need for power and preying on innocent young girls who refused to bow to your will..

Who's got the power now? That's right, me..when I see u u cower in my presence because I can break u but who am I to judge anyone when you will be dealing with the karma of this for years to come while I continue to strengthen, mature and grow and be what u never could be..

The one running shit~

The battle

The biggest battle I always have with myself is feeling like whether what I'm doing is right and when to let go.. I've put myself in some interesting situations and ended up with a lot of pain but once it passed and I've removed the emotion I can see the lesson. I'm a very firm believer of doing the best that I can and not giving up so at the end of the day I can say I did the best that I could with what I had to work with. Well if I don't feel that I'm at my best then am I really putting my best foot forward? If I am, then is it the best I could be at the time of the lesson? I know I grow from every situation and every mistake I've made but if I am putting too much into it am I hurting myself more and while I'm healing not really studying the lesson from the experience and falling right back into the same situation? I'm traveling on roads I've never been on and learning more about myself but I end up in a situation that is similar to the last but I seem to take something different away everytime.. I'm starting to look at my life as a gradual intensity of difficulty and wondering if I'm ever going to get past this one to get to the next..

The first thing that comes to mind for comparison is school..you start off with the easiest and work your way through trying to get to the next level of achievement..for me it's always been I enjoy learning and I love having knowledge but not the time it takes to finish the lesson. I'm so impatient at times I end up missing key points and then when the test comes I do horribly. I'm so wrapped up in the end I don't pay attention to detail or address it the way I should when I see it I just file it away and at the end look back and wonder what I could've done differently. I am continuously fighting with myself to stop and look at what I am getting myself into and whether it is something I want to deal with. Depending on how I feel at the time, and that right there is the core of the problem, determines how I decide what to do and where to go. I have tried taking out the emotion but then there is a void that can't be filled without some level of feeling. I am a very emotional and passionate person that its second nature to me to always have some level of feeling involved otherwise I don't think I am getting the entire experience. I know that some are just fillers and I am not supposed to have anything more involved then what I do but how do I know the difference?

I have been working on being more patient but I think working on it is making it worse. I need to just accept that sometimes I am not as patient and I should be and it will just happen. I am too over analytical for my own good so I am gonna stop trying to think so much about things and see where that takes me. Hopefully to where I am trying to go and help me be everything that I can be.

With that, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day and my caramel frappe and hopefully start updating this more often.

much love~ Bells

Good week?

So, this week I'm trying something new..I'm goin to try and stay off fb since people at work think I am on fb too much and that is the reason I'm so slow. Apparently my boss telling me to slow down at our last one on one didn't register during this one. Yes I understand the work I'm doing now but if u want me to speed up I can guarantee that I'm gonna start missing shit again and we are gonna be right back to where we were a few months ago. No fb isn't interfering with my work how bored I am is.. Sometimes it's interesting and other times I want to pull my damn hair out because it's monotonous..

My challenge has began as of 730 this morning and I will let you know how it goes..

~bells

Time flies

Today I sent an email congratulating my sister on gettin her new job and it really hit me hard that she is not my bratty little sister anymore..words can't express how hard it is for me to see her as a mommy and an adult when I'm so used to her just being my little sister..it literally feels like one day she was this cute little brat who always told on me and got me in trouble and overnight she bloomed into this beautiful woman and stepped into motherhood as though she was born to be a mother..it is the most amazing thing to see and it's sad because time seriously flew before my eyes.. I am so very proud of her and all of her accomplishments and proud to be her sister..I completely understand why it's so hard for my mom to see us as adults when we are still her little girls..my baby sister is a teenager going into the 8th grade this year and I was 14 when she was born..why does time go so fast?

Everyone is starting their lives and getting married and even though I'm the oldest I feel like I'm behind..all of my friends except a few are married and have children and all I have is my career and myself..I'm stuck in a different chapter of my life while everyone else is passing by..I feel so old sometimes remembering what my life has been filled with so far and I'm floored at where life has taken me..

I'm gonna leave u with this thought, cherish every moment..don't take anyone in your life for granted and make sure to stop and enjoy those special moments with friends and family because money and work will be there in the morning, those that you love the most may not..

~bells

FML

So after some hiatus again, sorry about that..I finished my certificate and I've received it in hand..FINALLY.. Only 2 classes to go til the BA..however my lovely student loans have started trickling in more from my fantastically overpriced but great education at Hamline U causing me to embark on getting another job to pay for them..so here I am, 3wks into my second job and I'm EXHAUSTED..I guess its just do what I can and not expect to have a social life anymore if I want these loans to 'magically' disappear so I don't have to think about them..I don't know why this was such a great idea but maybe it's because I thrive on stress and think that after 7yrs of working and school full time I can still handle it..I continue to forget that all the awesome sleep I didn't get a few years ago and had no issues is next to INSANITY now that I'm remembering how much older I am getting and I can't do the same things I used to without killing myself..

So, here's to lots of fish oil and B vitamins to keep me going as well as being by the pool and relaxing as nuch as i can M-F to maintain some type of sanity..

Til next time
~bells

randomness

I titled my blog as such because I am just that sometimes, completely random and I know it can either irk the hell outta someone or they find it hilarious..and I have no problems with that either way..I have days when my mind is going a mile a minute and sorting through crap so quickly I can't quite get a grasp on it and other days I sit and dwell on useless shit and sometimes they are happy and others they are sad. The one thing now that I am trying to come to terms with is my over emotional moods..Yes, I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed because of some of the things that I have had to deal with and I just couldn't properly work through them so they totally screwed my head up.This was on top of being in a relationship that I wasn't happy in with a person that couldn't love me for who I am and even though I am no longer in that state I do sometimes get down and low and then the not so nice and over-emotional side shows..

I have over the last few years been working through everything but I still don't feel like I have done enough. I have serious trust issues with men and people in general because of some of the relationships I have been in and I know it is not fair to think that the next person will do me the same way but I can't help having my guard up. When you have dealt with the harsh blow of not being able to trust your family you never end up feeling completely safe. There are very few in my life that I would trust with my life but deep down there is always that question of whether they will do something to ruin it.

I overreact sometimes as well and that is also a huge thing I need to work on..It doesn't happen too often anymore, only when I have doubts or I really love someone because like I said, I have learned not to trust even those closest to me..I have given my life to my family and to those select few relationships and they took it for granted so I have backed off considerably and I don't do too many kind things for people because it gets abused and expected rather than appreciated..

I guess what this really always ends up coming down to is that I am appreciative of those I do have close to me because I can be too much to deal with sometimes. I don't know how to be anything different so thank you for being there and letting me bitch and have a shoulder to cry on..I can only hope that I am the great friend that you say I am because I know I have my moments when sometimes the lights aren't all on in my head..if I die tomorrow the only goal I have is that I have made a difference in at least one person's life everyday.  So many of my friends and the relationships I have had have made a difference in mine so I continue to strive to learn more about myself everyday and be a better person to those around me.

~bells

My oasis

I'm not thrilled about what I pay to live here but I seriously love this place.. Inside i have my spacious but simply furnished apt with my amazing bed and tub just big enough to turn off the lights add candles in relax while the flames shadows flicker across the walls..I have the start of my own little oasis on my balcony and I love that in the middle of freeways, the city and the sounds of airplanes above I can feel closed off in this little spot and dream a bigger dream, lose myself in a book or meditate on the mistakes I've made and how to avoid making them again. Then to make it even better when I need the social interaction I can lay by the pool and soak in the beautiful sun or drive a short distance n see friends or go to the mall..this place was the best decision of my life and has truly been a blessing to my tattered soul and scarred heart. I have found happiness here within myself and the simple things in life. I know this is only a fraction of what may be left to come and a slice of the bigger dream I have of my own home someday with kids running and playing but for right now and where I'm at in my life, this is enough