First love..

It was 2wks before my 18th birthday I saw u at work the first time..I thought omg is he cute, then one day your dad came to me and asked me to go out with u because u had just ended a bad relationship and he wanted you to be with a nice girl who was fun to take your mind off..immediately I knew this was my in so I went and talked to you and the next thing I knew we were hangin out n having a great time.. You were sweet, opened my doors, anytime we went out you paid even though I always tried to, a great listener and you could always make me laugh..I told you things I had never told anyone and accepted me still..you were everything until you went back to the ex..I was devastated and thought you were an idiot because this wasn't the first time and you guys just couldn't make it work..then she hurt you and still I was there waiting patiently for my turn and I got it..one of the best valentines days of my life, I felt like I had just conquered the world and kissing you was like flipping on a switch and I was on fire..it was great until you got ready to leave for the summer and decided to end it the way your ex ended your relationship and you hurt me..it was the first time I ever felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest..you were such a great guy and made such an impact that I kept my heart from you and quite a few more..it was the beginning of the string of heartbreaks I would deal with because I kept comparing the way they treated me to you, the good parts only of course..I don't kno what I did wrong but it changed the rest of my life for the better, I knew there was men that would treat me the way I deserved and accept me for me..

You're married now with an adorable little boy and I'm happy for you but I will never forget the amazing time we had together :)

Power

I remember everything like it was yesterday..I was pissed because u just walked in like the boss but u hadn't been around but a few months..I was running this because the last loser kept around past his expiration left shit in shambles and since I was the only one ever home I was left in charge at my young age..what u saw? A threat to what u had in mind housed in the body of a teenager, a mean attitude that had everyone runnin scared..what did u do? Tried befriending since I surely wasn't gonna let u in charge without testing u..letting me do shit I had no business doing and if I wasnt so mad at shit I wouldn't have fell for it but I just didn't give a fuck..u got lucky cause the relationship with her wasn't there and u knew she had dealt with this shit when she was younger so u used that against me..fast forward to when u decided to attack..u stole my innocence, broke my spirit and made me ashamed of being a beautiful strong girl and never trust a man or my family again..it took me years of therapy, after I gave into the depression, denial, broken relationships with those I was trying to protect by making the decision I did to finally have some peace of mind..I finally feel confident in myself, I've found my strength, repaired slowly one of the most important bonds and gained the understanding and maturity very few will ever be able to comprehend.. What u did to me brought me to the lowest I have ever been but look at me now..I'm successful, educated, stronger than I have ever been with a spirit no man will ever break again..I've forgiven u but I will never ever be able to forget what that did to me and what I became because of your need for power and preying on innocent young girls who refused to bow to your will..

Who's got the power now? That's right, me..when I see u u cower in my presence because I can break u but who am I to judge anyone when you will be dealing with the karma of this for years to come while I continue to strengthen, mature and grow and be what u never could be..

The one running shit~

The battle

The biggest battle I always have with myself is feeling like whether what I'm doing is right and when to let go.. I've put myself in some interesting situations and ended up with a lot of pain but once it passed and I've removed the emotion I can see the lesson. I'm a very firm believer of doing the best that I can and not giving up so at the end of the day I can say I did the best that I could with what I had to work with. Well if I don't feel that I'm at my best then am I really putting my best foot forward? If I am, then is it the best I could be at the time of the lesson? I know I grow from every situation and every mistake I've made but if I am putting too much into it am I hurting myself more and while I'm healing not really studying the lesson from the experience and falling right back into the same situation? I'm traveling on roads I've never been on and learning more about myself but I end up in a situation that is similar to the last but I seem to take something different away everytime.. I'm starting to look at my life as a gradual intensity of difficulty and wondering if I'm ever going to get past this one to get to the next..

The first thing that comes to mind for comparison is school..you start off with the easiest and work your way through trying to get to the next level of achievement..for me it's always been I enjoy learning and I love having knowledge but not the time it takes to finish the lesson. I'm so impatient at times I end up missing key points and then when the test comes I do horribly. I'm so wrapped up in the end I don't pay attention to detail or address it the way I should when I see it I just file it away and at the end look back and wonder what I could've done differently. I am continuously fighting with myself to stop and look at what I am getting myself into and whether it is something I want to deal with. Depending on how I feel at the time, and that right there is the core of the problem, determines how I decide what to do and where to go. I have tried taking out the emotion but then there is a void that can't be filled without some level of feeling. I am a very emotional and passionate person that its second nature to me to always have some level of feeling involved otherwise I don't think I am getting the entire experience. I know that some are just fillers and I am not supposed to have anything more involved then what I do but how do I know the difference?

I have been working on being more patient but I think working on it is making it worse. I need to just accept that sometimes I am not as patient and I should be and it will just happen. I am too over analytical for my own good so I am gonna stop trying to think so much about things and see where that takes me. Hopefully to where I am trying to go and help me be everything that I can be.

With that, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day and my caramel frappe and hopefully start updating this more often.

much love~ Bells

Good week?

So, this week I'm trying something new..I'm goin to try and stay off fb since people at work think I am on fb too much and that is the reason I'm so slow. Apparently my boss telling me to slow down at our last one on one didn't register during this one. Yes I understand the work I'm doing now but if u want me to speed up I can guarantee that I'm gonna start missing shit again and we are gonna be right back to where we were a few months ago. No fb isn't interfering with my work how bored I am is.. Sometimes it's interesting and other times I want to pull my damn hair out because it's monotonous..

My challenge has began as of 730 this morning and I will let you know how it goes..

~bells

Time flies

Today I sent an email congratulating my sister on gettin her new job and it really hit me hard that she is not my bratty little sister anymore..words can't express how hard it is for me to see her as a mommy and an adult when I'm so used to her just being my little sister..it literally feels like one day she was this cute little brat who always told on me and got me in trouble and overnight she bloomed into this beautiful woman and stepped into motherhood as though she was born to be a mother..it is the most amazing thing to see and it's sad because time seriously flew before my eyes.. I am so very proud of her and all of her accomplishments and proud to be her sister..I completely understand why it's so hard for my mom to see us as adults when we are still her little girls..my baby sister is a teenager going into the 8th grade this year and I was 14 when she was born..why does time go so fast?

Everyone is starting their lives and getting married and even though I'm the oldest I feel like I'm behind..all of my friends except a few are married and have children and all I have is my career and myself..I'm stuck in a different chapter of my life while everyone else is passing by..I feel so old sometimes remembering what my life has been filled with so far and I'm floored at where life has taken me..

I'm gonna leave u with this thought, cherish every moment..don't take anyone in your life for granted and make sure to stop and enjoy those special moments with friends and family because money and work will be there in the morning, those that you love the most may not..

~bells

FML

So after some hiatus again, sorry about that..I finished my certificate and I've received it in hand..FINALLY.. Only 2 classes to go til the BA..however my lovely student loans have started trickling in more from my fantastically overpriced but great education at Hamline U causing me to embark on getting another job to pay for them..so here I am, 3wks into my second job and I'm EXHAUSTED..I guess its just do what I can and not expect to have a social life anymore if I want these loans to 'magically' disappear so I don't have to think about them..I don't know why this was such a great idea but maybe it's because I thrive on stress and think that after 7yrs of working and school full time I can still handle it..I continue to forget that all the awesome sleep I didn't get a few years ago and had no issues is next to INSANITY now that I'm remembering how much older I am getting and I can't do the same things I used to without killing myself..

So, here's to lots of fish oil and B vitamins to keep me going as well as being by the pool and relaxing as nuch as i can M-F to maintain some type of sanity..

Til next time
~bells

randomness

I titled my blog as such because I am just that sometimes, completely random and I know it can either irk the hell outta someone or they find it hilarious..and I have no problems with that either way..I have days when my mind is going a mile a minute and sorting through crap so quickly I can't quite get a grasp on it and other days I sit and dwell on useless shit and sometimes they are happy and others they are sad. The one thing now that I am trying to come to terms with is my over emotional moods..Yes, I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed because of some of the things that I have had to deal with and I just couldn't properly work through them so they totally screwed my head up.This was on top of being in a relationship that I wasn't happy in with a person that couldn't love me for who I am and even though I am no longer in that state I do sometimes get down and low and then the not so nice and over-emotional side shows..

I have over the last few years been working through everything but I still don't feel like I have done enough. I have serious trust issues with men and people in general because of some of the relationships I have been in and I know it is not fair to think that the next person will do me the same way but I can't help having my guard up. When you have dealt with the harsh blow of not being able to trust your family you never end up feeling completely safe. There are very few in my life that I would trust with my life but deep down there is always that question of whether they will do something to ruin it.

I overreact sometimes as well and that is also a huge thing I need to work on..It doesn't happen too often anymore, only when I have doubts or I really love someone because like I said, I have learned not to trust even those closest to me..I have given my life to my family and to those select few relationships and they took it for granted so I have backed off considerably and I don't do too many kind things for people because it gets abused and expected rather than appreciated..

I guess what this really always ends up coming down to is that I am appreciative of those I do have close to me because I can be too much to deal with sometimes. I don't know how to be anything different so thank you for being there and letting me bitch and have a shoulder to cry on..I can only hope that I am the great friend that you say I am because I know I have my moments when sometimes the lights aren't all on in my head..if I die tomorrow the only goal I have is that I have made a difference in at least one person's life everyday.  So many of my friends and the relationships I have had have made a difference in mine so I continue to strive to learn more about myself everyday and be a better person to those around me.

~bells

My oasis

I'm not thrilled about what I pay to live here but I seriously love this place.. Inside i have my spacious but simply furnished apt with my amazing bed and tub just big enough to turn off the lights add candles in relax while the flames shadows flicker across the walls..I have the start of my own little oasis on my balcony and I love that in the middle of freeways, the city and the sounds of airplanes above I can feel closed off in this little spot and dream a bigger dream, lose myself in a book or meditate on the mistakes I've made and how to avoid making them again. Then to make it even better when I need the social interaction I can lay by the pool and soak in the beautiful sun or drive a short distance n see friends or go to the mall..this place was the best decision of my life and has truly been a blessing to my tattered soul and scarred heart. I have found happiness here within myself and the simple things in life. I know this is only a fraction of what may be left to come and a slice of the bigger dream I have of my own home someday with kids running and playing but for right now and where I'm at in my life, this is enough

Really?!

So, the one thing that pissed me off today was someone posted a comment about having sex on the first date or waiting and before he added his comment to it wanted others opinions. Well, since I try not to comment too much on his page Im gonna post here..

I have tried both, I have waited before giving up the goods and some were good, and some weren't and obviously they didnt work or I wouldnt be single. what sucks is I love sex and I want it to be fun with that person that I am trusting that part of me with. I know that it is a special thing but sometimes its just sex. If they can't satisfy me then why waste anyone's time if we can't mesh sexually? No sex is not the most important thing but it is an important part of a solid relationship and if that is lacking no matter how hard you try to make it work it's not gonna work.

I have had sex on the first date but only if I was attracted to them and we had a good connection. However, that has bitten me in my ass cause apparently that makes me look easy..Ok so what do you want it to be men? start off as friends with benefits or fuck buddies whatever you want to call it or not do anything only to find out that you are not compatible and wasted all that time and whatever feelings were involved?

Men take it much harder than a female does because we don't have insecurities about our boob size or whether our shit is gonna be tight enough like guys do about the size of their dicks. If you are honest/truthful about it they take it too far so why even address it like that or spend the time waiting? if you get that goodnight kiss and you feel sparks then chances are there is some chemistry and the sex could potentially be good so give it a try. Life is too short. Not to say you need to be reckless about it because being safe is important but if you only mess with dirty dudes then maybe you need to change your requirements.

My problem with this whole situation is where do I stand to the dude then? If I give it up quick am I not worth keeping around or some side chick shit? Or are you gonna keep me around because I know what I want and you respect that?

Lets be real men. Be about it, if you want a woman who knows what she wants and if she wants you then you should feel privileged we are even fucking with you like that. If all you want is a piece then tell me all you want is a piece, the worst i can say is no.

~bells

What I've seen..

Since I was little I started to see just how screwed up this world has gotten and I can honestly say I'm not happy with it. Being raised in a diverse family and being around some intelligent n just plain ignorant people has been a rather interesting experience. I have been questioned about my sisters being a different color before I even understood what it meant and as I got older been treated harshly because of my color and have seen first hand black folks being disrespected because they "look" different.

I love my mother for not raising me to be ignorant and prejudice just because of the color of someone's skin.
I saw Roots for the first time when I was in the 4th grade and I was horrified. I couldn't believe that people were taken from their country and brought here in the harshest conditions and treated like savages. Even the animals on the plantations were treated better than that. What the hell was seriously wrong with the settlers that came over here that made them think that was acceptable? The one thing that irritates me the most is having someone tell me those are "your People" because I am white. No, they are not "my people", we may have the same skin pigmentation but I do not agree with anything that they did.

The one thing that people fail to understand that I learned from a lot of my classes in college is that everyone has "black" in them. We all came from a group of people that originated in Africa and from there traveled to different parts of the world. within that time their skin pigmentation changed because of the environmental conditions they were exposed to. Going from a very hot sunny climate to a milder and cooler climate caused them to adapt. Having dark skin is necessary for those in those hot climates because being darker lessens your chance of cancers and burns because the color absorbs the sun rather than deflecting it like lighter skin does. The lack of melanin present in the skin accounts for the difference in colors of humans, less melatonin/melanin the lighter the color you will be. Lighter colors burn easily because when the sun reflects off of the skin rather than being absorbed causing it to be harsher on the skin. The skin can't absorb the amounts of sun it is exposed to because of the lack of melanin causing the sun to have adverse affects on the cells and causing skin cancers. This isn't the most educated explanation but it gives you an idea of why I can't stand the treatment of others because of their skin tones.

It all comes down to this, black or white people need to stop judging and raising their kids to judge based on skin type. If you want your kids to not be prejudiced and continue the fucked up way that the early settlers started the whole white is right bullshit then stop buying into it. Stop continuing to teach your children the way the "white" people have brain washed you into raising them that another race is better than them and they won't be accepted because of their race. Anyone can be whoever they want to and do whatever they want if they work hard and fight back when people treat them with anything but the respect they deserve. They are human just like anyone else is and deserve the same treatment billy or mary sue get. I can honestly say that I have more respect for black folks then white folks because the way they see life is the way it should be. They have struggled and still fight everyday for what they deserve and white people treat life and what they have as a right rather than a privilege. Nothing in life is free and nothing comes without putting in the work to maintain it. you can be born into money but unless you have respect for it and the people who have helped your family get there you are no better than anyone else.

treat everyone with respect no matter what color they are until they give you a reason to treat them like the shitty person they may be.

~bells

Fuck it..

The best decision I have ever made was to say fuck it.. If shit ain't going right or people are just determined to make your life miserable cause they aren't happy, say fuck it..you cannot change the decisions others make and you can't change how they view the world so why care? It only makes you feel like crap. All you really have to worry about is your happiness and stay positive. You can only offer suggestions and be there for those who want to continue to make bad decisions. That is their lesson to learn from not yours so let it be..

I have never asked anyone for anything but to accept me for who I am. Until you have walked a day in my shoes you will never know how or why I have made the decisions I have so just be happy for me like I am happy for you. Be happy with yourself. When shit goes bad take the blame for it because at the end of the day it was your decision that led you there. Take what you got from it as a lesson and move around it. Don't blame others or God for your issues because they are only guides for you and only you can tell you what to do. The path he has laid out for you is just that, a path. You have the free will to follow it however you want to and you can guarantee that at one crossroads you'll look back at the path you have come down and go FUCK. what the hell was I thinking? when you can look back and see what you did wrong, it makes you a very strong person to accept it and do things differently when you make that next turn. It also gives you the knowledge to avoid making those same decisions down that next path and if you make them again it was your choice because you knew the consequences.

God may not exist, my belief in him may be a figment of my imagination but I still choose to believe that there is something out there because if I didn't then I would not still be walking this earth. I have had to have faith in a being much powerful than me in order to get through the situations life has thrown at me and that I have put myself in or I would never have gotten this far. I choose to believe that there is a purpose for me to be here because I would not have been able to live and enjoy life the way I do if I didn't. I would not have been able to learn from my mistakes and head down a path of happiness if I did not make the decision to find happiness in everything that I do. I have the power to determine how I want to live my life and the power to make it happen and I choose to believe that god is on my side as I do it so if I need to I can go to him if it is too much to bear and he will help me get through it.

I came into this world with the burden of being the product of rape to a young mother who was resentful and angry for the way life was treating her and having it taken out on me even though I didn't ask for it. I am a beautiful gift to her and to myself and I know that what happened wasn't my fault and it isn't her fault because she was too young to know how to deal with a situation most adults can't even deal with. My mother is the strongest person I have ever met and I thank god everyday for believing in her strength to get through it and strength in me for being able to handle something like that. I am truly blessed with the knowledge I have gained and the gift of being able to understand and appreciate people for who they are. I could hate God and hate the world for what I have dealt with but he had a plan for me and I truly believe that if he didn't break the mold for me I would have lived the average normal life that everyone else does. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that by any means nor am I resentful because there is a reason, a purpose for me being here, I have no idea what but that is okay because I know that I make a difference in peoples lives no matter how big or small it may be. I strive to be a better person and accept things as they are but also to make sure that I try a little harder everyday to be a good friend, daughter and sister to my friends and family because without them or God I would not still be here trying.

This may or may not have helped you understand why I do things the way that I do and guess what, who cares, everyone is different. This also may not change how you feel or who you are at the end of the day. The point I am trying to make is that from the experiences people have shared with me I have learned to appreciate everyone no matter what because I am not here to judge. I am here to offer suggestions and help guide people along that have come in to my life for whatever reason or just to be there because they need me in some capacity. I have also learned what not to do, who I don't want to be and what I don't want my life to be like. Once you see these things it changes how you see the person you are and allows you to find that path to the person you aspire to be.

My reason for sharing this? Don't give up, there is so much more waiting and all you have to do is have faith. Let go of the hate and the resentment and the people that caused it and take back control over your life because you have the power to make a difference and make it different. If life isn't what you thought it would be then stop bitching about it and do something. Everyone has a need to vent but continuing to complain about how bad things are won't change them. You need to change them.

Stop being the person you don't want to be and stop letting people have power over your life and make this world and your life the way you want it to be.

~bells

Mi vida loca

Hmm, let's see.. If you are following me chances are you already know quite a bit about me.. I'm the oldest of four beautiful women (the youngest is 13 going on 30) and my mom was a single parent. we were brought up to be humble and not take for granted the gifts we were given because there wasn't much..we had the basics and that was enough for us..The men that were around aren't worth more than this mention so she did the best she could and raised some amazing children if I do say so myself (on a good day..lol)..

I have been through more than the average woman my age but me amo mi vida loca (i love my crazy life). There are days when I wonder what god really has in store for me to conquer since everyday is something different..I've been physically, emotionally, sexually and mentally abused but I refuse to be a statistic or let any of that hold me back from loving life and all of the wonders and knowledge it has brought me.. I am thirsty for learning and never take an opportunity to do so for granted and prove to myself that I can be better then I was because I have been at the bottom and I DO NOT want to go back there..

I make sure that I put myself first because if I am not happy with me then I will never be happy with anyone else. I have done the medication and therapy route and they worked for awhile when i was really having problems dealing with everything but I only go to therapy when I really need it. I am a firm believer in asking for help. Somethings you really cannot do on your own and if you have a support system then use it because they are your anchor.

There were days when I felt like I had nothing left for anyone to take and nothing left to give and it wasn't worth staying around but I am here because of those around me..I am, in the words of an inspirational person, A beautiful mess inside and I can't wait to find that someone who is more than happy to jump in and take the time to discover all of the amazing things about me that are hidden..

I have the most amazing group of friends around me..I have had to weed out quite a few but I can honestly say the ones who have stuck around are the real ones. They have seen the good, the bad and the downright ugly and still see the beauty inside me. Never, ever, let anyone take away your ability to love and trust because without trust you will be miserable and full of hate and unable to achieve your dreams. Forgive those who do you wrong, why? because in the end whatever wrong they have done will come and destroy them in the end. Be honest, tell the truth regardless of how bad you think it may hurt someone..telling the truth is preferable to believing the lies..No one is perfect, it is your imperfections that make you who you are and everyone is unique. It sounds hard, and believe me, it is but it is worth the work because being smart about the situations you are in and positive without being colored by your feelings will allow the happiness to come on its own..

with that, I finish my official 2nd post :)

~bells

ahhh, day one

So, I finally did it...I am writing my first blog...I may as well start with, I am not gonna censor and I don't care if you dont like or agree with what I have to say. If you have something to say then create your own. I do not judge therefore I would expect no judgement from you. I have not decided what this will contain so it will be a surprise everyday...So, if you are still here then lets get this started..

~bells